


Til death do me part

by girlwithoneeye



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Angst, F/F, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, Period-Typical Homophobia, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-05-14 18:20:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19278841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlwithoneeye/pseuds/girlwithoneeye
Summary: Madness. It was the lungs, a simple deduction because her heart was not beating in any different way and her mind was sharper than ever but breathing was suddenly a lot heavier. See? A mad woman can also think and boy she can act out.O´Brian makes a promise to never hurt her ladyship again, more than she has already done anyway.





	Til death do me part

Shaky fingers embraced the cigar as she clumsily scraped the match against its box, barely managing to make it catch a flame. With a bit of a more exact precision she lit her cigar but her weak blow of breath to snuff out the match flame revealed the fraud of her collected nature that she was trying to maintain.   
She would not allow herself to indulge but rather forced the smoke down her lungs until she coughed the smoke back up her hoarse throat. But why was it hoarse anyways… She did not deserve the hoarseness that would have accompanied the crying as Sarah for maybe the fourth time in life since childbirth let her tears fall as she desperately clawed at her face, willing it to stop. It would not stop after a few minutes, nor twenty. But what was she more undeserving of really? The break to let out her anguish or not being able to conceal it to the world, as she Sarah O´Brian had managed to do one thousand and one times already. 

She had not shed a tear as the softest but still the most iron minded woman she has ever known had thrown herself into the arms of a man that showed merely a tenth of the will and caring that this woman did. Cora was never perfect and in truth there were too case a many that Sarah waged between wanting to throw her into the wall and watch her perfect porcelain skin bruise but on the other hand wanted to mar that skin in widely different ways and watch her eyes lit up with a completely different kind of horror. She would be troubled at first because how could not a fine lady with a wit like hers realise the predicament of sleeping with a maid. But when the lips between her legs would get wetter and her heart would race up her throat it would not be her husband she went to but to her faithful maid, her beloved O´Brian. 

No wonder that, that man of hers wanted Sarah gone, it must have been exhausting seeing a simple farmer´s daughter succeeding him in offering the only gift that could not be bought with money.   
Other occasions of not crying would be the expectancy of Cora´s fourth child and the numbing pain and feeling of betrayal upon realising that she was in fact to be replaced by another. But that did something to her and although she would never utter the word to a single soul still managed to sing its way into her lungs. Madness. It was the lungs, a simple deduction because her heart was not beating in any different way and her mind was sharper than ever but breathing was suddenly a lot heavier. See? A mad woman can also think and boy she can act out.   
Keeping the devil in was never a first things priority of Sarah´s but now ugly insults and wishes were not sufficient. What were words like ungrateful cow and withholding what little love a mere maid can show against a chance to finally harm that woman. 

It was easy enough for the first ten seconds. Slowly pushing the soap a few inches to the left, to walk out the bathroom with a feeling of hate and pleasure that almost felt erotic to the touch. Let her slip and bruise her skin. As for a moment Sarah could actually feel something for the first time since that easy prey of a woman had questioned her husband with a blasé tone if he expected her to sack O´Brian. It was the feeling of breathing freely, of her body being hers again from hardening nipples to a foot that had fallen asleep. She smirked and looked in the mirror and finally saw what she was. A disgusting sapphian with a deformed view of justice and a monstrous look in her eyes. Someone not worthy of Cora´s sympathy and love. Cora, she had referred to her beloved as that woman but now she could finally see that she was indeed Cora and not anything less or more than that. Sarah caught a glimpse of her softening eyes and felt her chest constrict again and almost cried with relief. 

“This is not who you are, Sarah O´Brian.” She exasperatedly whispered to herself, bewildered at the idea of ever wanting to hurt her precious darling.   
Disgusting sapphian or not, she had to go in there and apologise. 

“I´m getting up now” She heard Cora playfully remark.

“No m´lady wait!” Sarah screamed in obvious terror. 

There was a scream holding the pain of somebody getting sawed in half, sawed in half indeed and not just bruised. And as Sarah rushed into the bathroom she saw Cora desperately clutching her belly as blood was now streaming on the floor from her lady parts marring her soft white skin, spilling over those damn bruises. She looked up at Sarah, briefly smiling to the tears with obvious love for her treacherous maid. At that time Sarah only cared about saving Cora´s seemingly frail life as she hunted down William to go get a doctor and her ladyship´s husband real quick and then run back to will Cora to stay alive, as if a liar´s prayer had any value to it. It was not her place to hold Cora as the corpse of a baby boy slipped out of her but she had no one else. Sarah wanted to caress her hair and kiss her forehead but she wouldn´t. From now on she would always do well to remember who and what she was and she would stay with her lady and make her thrive and support her marriage and make small talk and never, never be ruled by her emotions again. They might have called her the coldest and hardest of the bunch but clearly that was to prefer over the yellow eyed vulture that personified her innermost dreams and feelings. The creature that looked trough her calculating eyes and resided in her strictly captured hair. That creature was never to be seen again. 

The rest of the aftermath was a blur of getting sympathised with by the rest of the servants for having had to witness “that”, apologies from her lordship for having to do things out of the norm, thankful replies from the doctor for helping her ladyship out. It all made her stomach turn upside down. How cruel was it that the culprit in all of this were to be seen as the hero? It was only when Mr Carson encouraged her to do look after her ladyship in this time of distress that she found a red thread to hold onto. She, Sarah O´Brian would look after Cora until she rightfully had to leave Downton and she would be the most efficient maid of the new century.   
It was with these words ringing in her ear and her tears fresh in her memory that Sarah punished herself by taking a smoke but not enjoying it or allowing it to bring her relief. She crushed the cigar butt under her heel with the most force she could muster. 

“There, that will show you.” She muttered to herself as she made her way to look after her lady. 

\----- ---- -----

She had half expected Cora to be asleep as she looked into the room but found her ladyship propped up against the pillows looking at her intently. Despite darkness clouding her eyes they lit up as she focused her eyes on Sarah. 

“Sarah, my dear will you come sit by my side.” 

Sarah cocked her head to the side and wondered if she looked as out of the blue as she felt. But with her new promises made she moved to grab a chair but was stopped in her tracks as Cora impatiently gestured her to get closer. 

“I meant, sit on the bed, next to me.” Cora smiled sweetly at Sarah.

“I hardly think that is suitable m´lady.” Sarah mumbled but still she moved closer to Cora and sat down on the bed, eyes firmly fixed on the woman. 

“Maybe not… But nevertheless please do.” 

They sat quietly for a moment as Cora dreamily looked into the wall. Then she spoke as if she had collected the strength from generations far beyond her and grabbed Sarah´s hand with her own. 

“Sarah, my… my darling. I have always tried to treat you right but I have not been honest with you. There were times when I did not know what to do with all these sensations you brought me… Your hands in particular as you brushed my hair… I could easily have done some of these things myself but your hands always brought me some kind of joy. Even though you must have thought me incapable of bringing a comb through my own hair.” Cora smiled sweetly.

“M´lady I…”

“Hush dear, I do not blame you for not wanting to listen to this lovesick woman´s rambles but I do not have much strength to resist it these days and today proved to be the final straw… I know there is something inherently wrong with me for expressing these feelings towards another woman, my maid in particular but I have been wanting to tell you for so long…”  
Tears were running down Cora´s cheeks but Sarah could not bring herself to wipe them off. This had to be the hell bestowed upon sinners but if it was hell she accepted it for it was the only joy she would ever allow herself to feel listening to Cora´s quiet confessions. She could very well guess what have brought on these revelations and she´d be damned if she took advantage of her act of betrayal. 

“Today I could feel a certain distance between you and me and could not bear it at all. I know for a fact that I must have imagined it because you saved me later when no one else could even though you didn´t have any personal gain to find. Therefor I do say this, I love you, Sarah O´Brian and I do understand if this disgusts you. But do know that if you seek to leave our service I will give you the best of recommendations.”

So, it was as Sarah had thought then, the very act of violence she had bestowed upon this beautiful woman who was her impossible dream was seen as the utmost form of devoted love. 

“You could never disgust me m´lady.” Sarah murmured. 

As she took a quick glance on her lady´s face she found herself bewildered by Cora´s look of excitement mixed with relief and something she couldn´t fully read.   
Before she had a chance of putting up some kind of moral resistance, Cora pressed her lips against her own and the smell of Cora´s soft flowery perfume accompanied by her own heartbeat created a dizziness that made her think of these new electric lamps where you barely touched the damn thing and it already lit with fire. But it would be a greater crime to let this woman unknowingly fall into sin with her than all her other mistreatments of her ladyship all together. So, she determinedly closed her eyes and pulled away from what could possibly have been the loveliest moment of her lifetime. 

“I am sorry m´lady but you are not fully yourself.” Sarah whispered apologetically to her. 

“Oh… I see…” 

“If I get to stay I will for as long as it pleases your ladyship.” 

“Oh Sarah, as you can see I am not even able to leave you be so how could I ever let you go even though it is a selfish one-sided desire of mine.” Cora said with obvious hollowness in her voice. 

Sarah did not know how to contain herself so as soon as she was allowed to leave she quickly snuck into her room and curled up under her bedsheets. But during her night of silent crying and agony she could not help to find herself lucky enough to have found love, even though it was believed to be unanswered and would forever have to remain that way. If only Cora did not need to suffer from the same obvious sickness that she and Thomas and so many others did. But in all honesty, was it a sickness in itself or did it just mirror the affection between men and women in another kind of way? Maybe love in itself was always a sickness? It was the first time of many she would ask herself that question. 

\------ ---- ------

Cora, that sweet angel had been looking out for a new maid for her ungrateful mother in love after all. Her job had never been in danger and more so she had harmed a person who loved her both physically and mentally. All while she, Sarah was believed to be a grateful child of God, the handmaid over anyone else. 

She closed her eyes and for a moment the prospect of doing everything undone and later being deserving enough of Cora´s love and being able to share her own dawned upon her. But no, she was a monster and whatever she would try to blame it on, the nature of her carnal desires or the madness of love, the fact could not be denied. 

She would spend the rest of her life by Cora´s side and soak in the rare moments of love that Cora would dare to bestow upon her and pretend to endure it with a smile while keeping her lady´s honour intact. If there only was a way of not causing Cora anymore disappointment than she already had. But to win some you have to lose some.

“Til death do me part” Sarah mumbled to herself.

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that I accept any constructive criticism, also negative and that English is NOT my native language. 
> 
> Also I am myself LGBT+ so any negative views on the community is plainly used in a period typical line of thinking and in ways that I found would resonate well with the character´s way of thinking.


End file.
